How to Buy a Funeral or Cremation Urn

By Mary Hickey

Buying an urn is something most people hope they never have to do. Unfortunately, at some point in our lives we will probably have to purchase an urn or a casket for a loved one. Here are a few things you will want to know.

First, what happens if you go to a funeral home or cremation society and decide not to purchase an urn from the selection that is offered? In that case, you will receive your loved on in is a very unattractive plastic or cardboard box. It is estimated that 50%-70% of the time people leave a funeral home with this minimum option. It makes no difference if you spend $500 or $1,800 on the cremation, the boxes look the same. Many people are shocked when they go to pick up the ashes of a loved one and get a plastic or cardboard box back.

The ideal combination for selecting an urn is one that can be personalized or in some way is reflective of the person’s life inside as well as being practical for what you plan to do with the ashes of the deceased.

What you need to think about is; what do you plan to do with the remains? Here are a few of your options:

1. Bury the ashes.
2. Scatter the ashes.
3. Leave them in your home until you make a decision or until you die and someone else will have to decide what to do with them.
4. Put them in a niche in a mausoleum.
5. Divide the ashes up among family members.
6. Travel with the urn to a memorial service and then do one of the above.

If you plan on burying the ashes you will want to check with the cemetery and see if they have a requirement. There are a few “Green Cemeteries” in the country that only allow biodegradable urns. Many cemeteries will have guidelines for you to follow.

Scattering ashes can be a delicate art. There are plenty of stories of people placing the ashes off of boats only to have the wind blow the ashes back into the person’s face. This can also happen in aircraft. While the urn will not do much to prevent that, you may want to consider a biodegradable bag if you plan to place the ashes in a lake, stream or ocean. This way you will not have a problem with wind or waves and the same time you won’t be harming the ecosystem. When selecting an urn for scattering, you may want to consider a memory chest or an urn that can hold photos and other mementos. Again, if you use a biodegradable bag you can keep the urn to hold keepsakes. There are some urns on the market that are designed to be used in water. You can do an internet search or ask your funeral director for assistance. If you are scattering on someone else’s property you will want to get permission if you would like to do it the legal way. You may also need a permit. Personally, I’ve spoken to many people that do their own thing with remains and it’s basically don’t ask and don’t tell.

If you plan to take the remains home, you will obviously want to choose a safe place out of reach of young children or pets. You may also consider the weight of the urn. Some bronze urns can be very heavy, and if you need to dust around the urn or move it consider the weight. Another thing to consider, what would you like done with the ashes after you are gone? You may want to mention this in your will or put a note on the bottom of the urn.

If you have chosen a mausoleum, you will want to place a call to get their guidelines. Many mausoleums will not accept wooden urns or anything besides plastic, ceramic or metal. You will also want to play close attention to size. Each niche has a specific size and you will want to make sure the urn you select fits inside the urn. You may also consider having the urn engraved or somehow personalized. If a natural disaster were to occur it is more likely that the remains will be identified if the urn is personalized.

Should you plan to share the ashes with loved ones, you will want to choose smaller urns or boxes for the remains. The ashes should be placed in a small zip lock bag and then into the smaller urn. Usually you will have one larger urn and a few smaller urns depending on how many people have expressed interest in receiving part of the ashes.

Options like pieces of blown glass and even diamond rings are available that have the ashes put into the piece.

If you plan to travel on a commercial airplane with an urn, you will want to make sure the urn is Transportation Security Administration (TSA) compliant for travel. Urns should not be made of metal due to the Transportation Security Administration's new procedure on the transport of crematory containers as carry-on baggage on airplanes. Passengers may still carry-on crematory containers, but they must pass through an X-ray machine. If an urn is made of metal or is metal-lined, it will show up as opaque on X-ray machines, preventing the security screener from being able to see what is inside - an obvious security risk. Please review this site for more detailed information http://www.tsa.gov/travelers/airtravel/specialneeds/editorial_1296.shtm.

Also consider who will see the urn. Will the design look dignified and respectable at a life celebration or memorial service? You may want to consider materials that are soft to the touch and colors that are soothing and up-to-date.

Finally, think about price. How much would you like to spend? You may want to ask the Funeral Director if they have a variety of catalogs that you could look through and you will want to check on the internet where you will find urns in many materials, designs and prices. In summary, while it is never an easy decision choosing the right urn, by following these guidelines hopefully the process will be a bit easier.

New Cemetery for Russia's Elite

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Japan's Suicide Forest

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Excerpts from Consolation: The Spiritual Journey

Beyond Grief by Maurice Lamm

Shiva is a sanctuary for grieving. It follows the course of suffering; it confronts rather than evades the pain of separation. It provides a profound though indirect healing regimen that leads us out of the entanglements of grief to a full acceptance of our loss and takes us even further, empowering us to growth and self-realization.

Time and space both seem infinite. To function in our world we need finite boundaries [for which] there is no innate grid. When we apply these ideas to mourning, we discover that shiva is not simply carved from the calendar to sharpen our focus on what we have lost. It enables us as mourners to locate ourselves and orient ourselves in an environment distorted by the disappearance of a signpost.

Judaism is keenly sensitive even to our unarticulated needs.

Shiva anchors us firmly in a nucleus of stability, calm and caring. There is yet another way of appreciating the many-sided brilliance of shiva. It is illuminated by our understanding of people, such as mourners, in transition. …[T]he mourner is… literally on the threshold between one phase of life and the next. …[W]e must keep our balance as we cross troubled waters. While we need to hold our heads high, experience teaches that to restore our equilibrium and get through tumultuous days, we need to tilt and adjust, tilt and adjust, until we get to firm ground.

Until the grave is covered and interment is completed, every aspect, including the eulogy, must be directed to the deceased, the center of concern. But after interment, everything undertaken must be supportive of the living. The comforters become the comforted; the active turn passive; ones who gave find themselves given to; those who fed the sick now find themselves being fed…we go in a split second from ‘concern for the dead” to “concern for the living. Death is the cost of life; suffering the death of close friends and relatives is the cost of having them. We cannot, and should not, combat the strange surges of our emotions, nor do we gain much by trying to explain ourselves to others or to ourselves. Let grief run its course, as it must.

Limitations keep us on a straight path, guide us and require of us no effort. As Ralph Waldo Emerson observed, society’s taboos are the guardrails on the bridge that spans the dangerous seas and prevent our drowning in our own excess. So the mourners, limited to the confines of walls, family and friends, and constricted from the broad spaces of work and trave--the playing fields of society--are held firm, convalescing in familiar arms. We go from the undisciplined savagery of death to the highly disciplined laws of mourning, and that is how we orient ourselves and return to family and society.

We tend to view mourning as a single unwieldy burden, a heavy load that we struggle under and are sure will finally wear us down. But grief is likely to be triggered more by small details than by a solitary emotional upheaval. The natural antidote to suffering piecemeal is healing piecemeal. The strategy of healing during shiva in not to reduce the severity of sadness but to confront the source of sadness: the death. Bumping into the odds and ends of memory is not an annoyance, not an aggravation of an already painful situation, but a necessary step in reorientation. Facing our grief acknowledges the value of certain practices, not directly taught by Jewish law but implicit in its style. Shiva is a habitat in which we mourners confront those pieces of the past. We bump into the remnants of life; we set aside seven days to contemplate the past …[W]e take unconscious inventory of the life of the deceased and tally the result. The healing of our angst is facilitated not by allusion to abstract principles and sage advice or by pills and needles, but by small specific actions--the piecemeal disengaging from each association. This is the powerful and beneficial aspect of mourning in Habitat shiva.

No two people mourn in the same way. As complex as we are in our physical makeup, we are equally complex in our psychological beings. That is why there can be no single answer to the problems of grief that so frequently stump us and not single medication to stimulate our souls immune system. Grief is an accumulation of energy in a person, and a major purpose of mourning is to successfully release that energy. The sukkah was a temporary dwelling or hut built by Israelites and used by them during their wanderings in the desert before they reached Canaan. Similarly, Habitat Shiva is a temporary shelter that stands for seven days, affording us limited protection until our strength begins to return. .In the day of our bitterness, we take refuge in this spiritual sukkah of healing, shielding us for a short trek until, by ourselves, we can reach the promised land.

Reprinted from Consolation © 2004, Jewish Publication Society with permission from the publisher.

Organ and Tissue Donation FAQ

Q. How do I become an organ donor?

Organ Donation FAQ

A. If you have decided that organ and tissue donation is something that you want to do, make your wishes known. Talk to family members and tell them what you want to do. You will also want to amend any wills or funeral plans. Organ Donors can make their wishes known to emergency and hospital staff by carrying a donor card. In some states, there is a place on your driver's license or state ID card that designates you are a donor. Check with your local DMV or DPS about the laws in your state.

To learn more about organ and tissue donation visit Life Gift. You can print an organ donor card off of the U.S. Health Department web site on organ donation.

Q. Are there age limits for donors?

A. There are no age limitations on who can be an organ donor. Physical condition is the deciding factor on whether a person can be a donor, not age. Everyone can be a donor; even newborns and seniors can help others by being an organ donor. Age is not a factor in some transplants; the skin of a senior can be used to provide a graft for a severely burned toddler.

Q. What organs and tissues can I donate?

A. Organs that can be donated to others in need include: heart, lungs, liver, intestines, kidneys, and pancreas. Tissues that may be donated are: corneas, connective tissue, skin, heart valves, and blood vessels. Bone marrow may also be harvested and given to those in need.

Q. Can donors still have open casket funerals?

A. Donation does not affect the way the body looks and does not interfere with having an open casket funeral.

Q. Can donors still have open casket funerals?

A. Donation does not affect the way the body looks and does not interfere with having an open casket funeral.

Q. Does being an organ donor affect the level of care received at a hospital?

A. Some wonder if being a donor affects the lengths doctors will go to save your life. Organ donors receive the same level of care at the hospital as anybody else. You will receive life-saving measures if you wish, whether or not you have a donor card. Donation procedures will only begin after all possible efforts to save your life have been exhausted and you are legally declared dead.

Q. How many people are on the waiting lists for an organ transplant?

A. The need for organs far outreaches the current availability. More people are added to the list to receive a transplant than to the list of available donors each year. Current numbers can be viewed at The Organ Procurement and Transplantation Network.

Q. How are organs distributed?

A. Donors and recipients are matched based on a number of factors including: blood and tissue typing, urgency of need, time on the waiting list, and geographic distance from donor.

Q. Is the organ donation system fair?

A. The National Transplant Act established a national computer system for organ sharing. Organs are distributed based on match, need, and availability. The donated organs are distributed in a way as to allow equal access for all patients awaiting a transplant.

How to Become an Organ Donor

Learn About Organ Donation

The first step to becoming an organ donor is to make an informed decision. The more you know more about organ donation the it will be for you to decide if it is right for you. Organ donation knowledge will also help you explain your wishes to your family if needed.

Make An Organ Donor Card

Once you have made your decision to become an organ donor it is important to signify your decision so your gift can be utilized. Many states will allow you to signify your organ donor status on your driver's license. Each time your license is renewed you must reestablish your donor status. Another way to become an organ donor is to fill out or make yourself a donor card. You can print off a free organ donor card or obtain one by calling the Coalition on Donation, at 1-800-355-SHARE (1-800-355-7427). Once you have signed your organ donor card, it must be witnessed. The best way to do this is to have two family members sign your card as well. This allows hospital staff to know that your immediate family supports your wishes to be an organ donor.

Once your organ donor card is witnessed keep it with you at all times.

Make Your Wishes Known

Now that your organ donor card is signed and witnessed you must make your wishes known. Each state has different regulations for ensuring that your donor wishes are carried out. You can view your state's requirements at the U.S. Department of Health & Human Services. The web site contains the address and phone number of each state's donor registry organization where you can be put on their official donor registry.

Talk to Your Family and Friends

Although being on a donor registry will make your wishes official, some states require that your family's consent be given in order to proceed with the donor process. It is extremely important that your family understands your wishes to be an organ donor. It is vital that they both understand the donor process and agree to sign a organ donor release form. Educate your loved ones about organ donation and the lives that you may potentially save. If necessary, take a reluctant relative to your doctor's office so that they can ask questions and learn what exactly will happen.

Islam's Views of Death and the Afterlife

A Basic Overview of Islamic Faith

Islam, also referred to as the Muslim faith, is one of the world's fastest growing religions. Almost 1 Billion people around the world practice Islam today, with more converting daily. Muslims follow the law of their holy book, The Koran (or Qur’an), which reveals the will of Allah as narrated to his chosen prophet, Muhammad. 

The chief pennant of Islam is the statement, “There is no other God but Allah and Muhammad is his prophet." Muslims believe that Muhammad, who lived from 570 to 632 A.D., was a chosen prophet and is to be revered but not worshiped. Islam also recognizes that there were other prophets before Mohammad -- Noah, Abraham, Ishmael, Isaac, Jacob, Moses, and Jesus – but strongly believe that no other prophets will follow Muhammad.

There are six basic beliefs in Islam:

1. Belief in God – Allah as the one true all-powerful God with no partner, equal, or son. No other God is to be worshiped but Allah.

2. Belief in the Angels – Honored creatures that do Allah’s work. Gabriel was the angel that brought the Qur’an down to Muhammad.

3. Belief in God’s Revealed Books – Muslims believe that God sent his message to prophets to record in books to serve as guidance for all mankind.

4. Belief in the Prophets and Messengers of God – Noah, Abraham, Ishmael, Isaac, Jacob, Moses, and Jesus (among others). Muhammad is the last of these chosen prophets.

5. Belief in the Day of Judgment – A day of judgment will take place when all people that have ever lived will be resurrected and judged by God according to their deeds and beliefs.

6. Belief in Al-Qadar – Al-Qadar is Divine Predestination. Although Allah has given man freewill, we are free to choose right and wrong and will be held responsible for our actions. Predestination includes four main facets: God knows everything that has happened and will happen, God has recorded all that has and will happen, What God wills to happen will happen and what he does not will, will not happen, and God is the Creator of everything.


Along with these basic beliefs that Muslims hold, there are ‘Five Pillars of Islam’. These five pillars represent the blueprint that a proper Muslim is to follow in their life. These five pillars are:

1. The Testimony of Faith – Saying with conviction, “La ilaha illa Allah, Muhammadur rasoolu Allah.” Translated to mean, “There is no true god but God (Allah), and Muhammad is the Messenger (Prophet) of God.”

2. Prayer – Muslims pray directly to Allah five times per day.

3. Giving Zakat – Zakat is the giving of a percentage of one’s property and wealth to the needy. A Muslim may give as much as he or she sees fit to charity.

4. Fasting During the Month of Ramadan – Ramadan is the ninth month of the lunar Islamic calendar. The fast takes place from dawn until sundown and Muslims abstain from all food, drink, and sex.

5. The Pilgrimage to Makkah – Hajj is the annual pilgrimage to Mecca to visit the Ka’ba. All Muslims that are able should make the pilgrimage at least once in their lifetime.

Death in Islam

Allah said in the Qur’an, “But those who believe and do good deeds, We will admit them to gardens (Paradise) in which rivers flow, lasting in them forever...” (Qur’an, 4:57)

For those that believe in the oneness of God and do good works, God has prepared an everlasting Paradise. Anyone who follows and believes this may enter Paradise - Muslims, Christians, Jews, and others. Muslims believe that this world is their one and only chance to earn this gift. Life involves preparing the soul to become worthy to pass through death, which is a transition, and progress to eternity in Paradise. Allah will judge each person according to his or her beliefs and acts during this life. Each person will be judged according to their individual situation, beliefs, and acts towards others.

Those who live according to the truth and Qur’an to the best of their ability will achieve the reward of Paradise. However, Allah warns us: those who were shown the truth of Islam and rejected it, will be shown no mercy and shall face hellfire. Just as Paradise is a place of delight, Hell is a place of eternal torment. The Qur’an states, “If you could but see when they are set before the Fire (Hell) and say: ‘Would that we might return (to the world)! Then we would not reject the verses of our Lord, but we would be of the believers!’” (Qur’an, 6:27) No one will have a second chance to accept the faith. In Islam, your fate is completely contingent on what you do in this life.

Preparing the Dead:

When a Muslim is facing death, they will read the Islamic scriptures, if they are able, or will have them read to them by relative or friend. They will be reminded of the Shahadah: “There is no God but Allah, and Mohammed is His Prophet and Messenger.” The dying Muslim will then repent of all earthly sin to prepare for judgment by Allah.

When a Muslim dies, his or her body is washed in a special ritual and wrapped in a clean, white, seamless cloth. In the case of a Martyr, the blood is not washed off the body, as purification is not needed. The washing ritual is usually done by a family member of the same sex and after a special prayer, the body is laid to rest in the ground, generally with the deceased’s head facing towards Mecca. Embalming of the body is not allowed in Islam, as this is a desecration. A corpse is not left alone between death and burial, it will be surrounded by loved ones praying for a safe and painless passage to the afterlife. Once the deceased has been taken to the burial site, the body is put into the ground without a coffin. The Shahadah is whispered into their ear one last time, and they are loosely covered with dirt by the attendees of the funeral.