Why is a Eulogy so Difficult to Write?

Have you ever heard that most people are more afraid of public speaking than they are of death? What happens when we mix death and public speaking? We get the infamous eulogy. The very thought of writing and delivering a eulogy is enough to send shivers down some people's backs. Comedian Jerry Seinfeld once said that most people would rather be the one in the casket than the one giving the eulogy. Why do we dread writing the eulogy? What makes it so hard to get up and give a memorial speech about someone's life? Why is the eulogy any harder than any other speech to give? Although the reasoning behind the fear of the eulogy will differ which each individual, there are many reasons why a eulogy is so hard to prepare for. Let's take a look at a few of these reasons and see how the fears associated with them can be overcome.

You are delivering a speech while grieving
Just speaking in public is hard.

When you add the stress of grief it gets harder. You may find it hard to collect your thoughts or you may have difficulty expressing them. A funeral is an emotional event and this can compound the anxieties that you already feel. Grief can make you feel numb. You may find it hard to say anything at all. Each person will grieve and express that grief in their special way. Do not be afraid to ask for help if you are finding it hard to write or deliver the eulogy. Most funeral homes will have someone there that can help you through the eulogy process. If you think you will have difficulties remembering what to say, write key points on index cards. Someone from the church or funeral home where the eulogy is given can stand by to read your eulogy if you are unable to continue.

You may be afraid of saying the wrong thing
How do you summarize the entirety of a person's life in just a few minutes? Will you do justice to the deceased? This is a common fear when giving the eulogy. A lot of times we are just as concerned about saying the wrong thing as we are about not saying enough. A good way to overcome this is to make a list of the important qualities of the individual you are speaking about. Ask others that were close to the deceased which aspects of their life is important to convey for them. Try to touch on different aspects of their life - work, family, friendships, hobbies etc. Try reading your eulogy to a friend or family member first. Ask their honest opinion about what, if anything, you should change.

You are afraid of breaking down or not being able to finish
It is perfectly normal to cry at a funeral. People in attendance will understand if you do need to stop and collect yourself. Many people in the audience may be visually upset as well. Having a backup eulogizer to finish your speech if you cannot is a good way to ensure that your thoughts are expressed even if you cannot do it yourself. If you are having a hard time giving your eulogy it is perfectly acceptable to truncate it or simply tell the audience "This is difficult for me and I just can't finish. I love Dad and miss him very much." Nobody is there to judge you or your speech-giving abilities. Do not feel obligated to continue if you feel that you can't. Someone else can say a few words in your place if necessary.

You are worried about your writing abilities
You do not have to be a great writer to write a eulogy. You will not be graded or judged. Some of the most poignant eulogies are short and simple. In fact, you do not have to write down anything at all if you don't want to. Many eulogies are given straight from the heart without forethought. There is nothing wrong with spontaneity. If you just dread sitting down to write, don't. You can simply say a few words as they come to you.

The most important thing to keep in mind when giving a eulogy is why you are there in the first place. You are there to celebrate and remember someone's life. Most everyone in attendance will share some kind of bond with the deceased, be it family, friend or even acquaintance. Do not be afraid to ask for help. You do not have to do it alone. Remember that the eulogy is not about the eulogy giver or their abilities. It is about the deceased and why they were special. Remembering this can ease the pressure. It is natural to have fear but it can be overcome.

Tips for Writing a Eulogy

Writing a eulogy is a difficult task. It is hard to condense a lifetime of experiences into a short speech to be delivered at a memorial service. Eulogies don’t have to be depressing and formal. A eulogy can include favorite poems, meaningful reminiscences, war stories, or even jokes. Here are some quick tips on how to put together a thoughtful eulogy.

1. What do you want to say?

The first you'll need to do is decide what you want to say. Collect all the basic facts about the deceased: their age, names of children or survivors, marriages, places they've called home or loved to visit, and their career or educational information. Now think about the person you’re remembering. What kinds of stories about them or quotes capture your loved one's personality? Did they have a favorite poem or author? What was important to them? Did they have a favorite charity or cause? Talk with their survivors for inspiration and ideas.

2. Decide on a tone or theme

Whether you decide to give a solemn speech, a light account of their life with comical musing, or somewhere in between, a theme gives purpose to the eulogy. It helps the attendees see what the deceased’s life stood for. For example, if you’re writing a eulogy for your Grandfather, your theme could be his confidence or his great story telling ability. With your theme in place, you can collect stories that he told to other survivors and yourself. If your theme was his important work or career you might speak with coworkers to get stories and remembrances of his work life or contributions made to his field or place of business. Knowing how you'd like to deliver the eulogy gives you a base to work from when you decide which stories to use.

3. Organize your notes into segments

If you are doing your work on a computer, type all of your notes in a document with a return between the different topics. This will make it easier to move your ideas around on the document and you can fine-tune the order until you have it perfect. If you'd rather write it by hand try the old essay trick from school and write your notes onto index cards or sheets of paper. This way you can shuffle around and work with the statements until you get them how you want them. Once you have organized your notes into an order than flows well, jot the information into a rough outline.

4. Write your first draft

Using the outline, write out a draft of your speech. Fill in any gaps in information and make sure each idea flows into the next. Try not to let the speech get too stiff; you don’t want a long fact sheet on your loved one’s life. Try to incorporate real life experiences or anecdotes between the facts. Use bits of humor if you think it is appropriate. This is also a good time to decide where natural pauses will fit into your speech so you can note that on your final draft.

5. Make your final draft

Go over your first draft and finalize what you are going to say. This is a great time to get input from other survivors or friends that will give you advise. Read the speech out loud at least once at this stage to be sure it sounds right to you. Once it is finalized, rewrite it neatly or type the speech so it will be easier to read at the funeral. You may also copy your speech to note cards if will make a more comfortable delivery for you. In other words, even if you plan to memorize the speech have a copy at the funeral. Funerals often are emotional and you may forget parts that aren't written down.

6. Practice delivery of the eulogy.

Read your speech to yourself aloud or even out loud to a third party. This will help you point out any areas that don’t sound right or are not appropriate. When you practice your speech in front of another person you can gain their input. You may want to deliver your speech in front of a mirror to get used to saying the words. Even delivering the speech to a trusted family pet, while imagining an audience, can help you work the kinks out. Easy delivery of the eulogy often relies on the ability to recall your eulogy.

7. Relax

While giving the speech, remember to relax and breathe normally. Remember that no one will be judging you; your audience are there to honor your loved one. Pay attention to the speed that you are speaking. We tend to speed up when we’re nervous so take it at a normal speaking pace. It’s good to add pauses to collect your thoughts or provide time for the audience to digest your information. You can even jot down places to break on your notes in case you forget to pause.

Always take a second copy of your speech and provide it to a backup speaker in case you can’t continue. It is common to get emotional during delivery, especially at a funeral. You may have to quit speaking to comfort someone or just may not be able to continue yourself. People will listen. Ironically, the softer you speak the more the audience will be enticed to listen.

Why is a Eulogy so Difficult to Write?

Have you ever heard that most people are more afraid of public speaking than they are of death? What happens when we mix death and public speaking? We get the infamous eulogy. The very thought of writing and delivering a eulogy is enough to send shivers down some people's backs. Comedian Jerry Seinfeld once said that most people would rather be the one in the casket than the one giving the eulogy. Why do we dread writing the eulogy? What makes it so hard to get up and give a memorial speech about someone's life? Why is the eulogy any harder than any other speech to give? Although the reasoning behind the fear of the eulogy will differ which each individual, there are many reasons why a eulogy is so hard to prepare for. Let's take a look at a few of these reasons and see how the fears associated with them can be overcome.

You are delivering a speech while grieving

Just speaking in public is hard.

When you add the stress of grief it gets harder. You may find it hard to collect your thoughts or you may have difficulty expressing them. A funeral is an emotional event and this can compound the anxieties that you already feel. Grief can make you feel numb. You may find it hard to say anything at all. Each person will grieve and express that grief in their special way. Do not be afraid to ask for help if you are finding it hard to write or deliver the eulogy. Most funeral homes will have someone there that can help you through the eulogy process. If you think you will have difficulties remembering what to say, write key points on index cards. Someone from the church or funeral home where the eulogy is given can stand by to read your eulogy if you are unable to continue.

You may be afraid of saying the wrong thing

How do you summarize the entirety of a person's life in just a few minutes? Will you do justice to the deceased? This is a common fear when giving the eulogy. A lot of times we are just as concerned about saying the wrong thing as we are about not saying enough. A good way to overcome this is to make a list of the important qualities of the individual you are speaking about. Ask others that were close to the deceased which aspects of their life is important to convey for them. Try to touch on different aspects of their life - work, family, friendships, hobbies etc. Try reading your eulogy to a friend or family member first. Ask their honest opinion about what, if anything, you should change.

You are afraid of breaking down or not being able to finish

It is perfectly normal to cry at a funeral. People in attendance will understand if you do need to stop and collect yourself. Many people in the audience may be visually upset as well. Having a backup eulogizer to finish your speech if you cannot is a good way to ensure that your thoughts are expressed even if you cannot do it yourself. If you are having a hard time giving your eulogy it is perfectly acceptable to truncate it or simply tell the audience "This is difficult for me and I just can't finish. I love Dad and miss him very much." Nobody is there to judge you or your speech-giving abilities. Do not feel obligated to continue if you feel that you can't. Someone else can say a few words in your place if necessary.

You are worried about your writing abilities

You do not have to be a great writer to write a eulogy. You will not be graded or judged. Some of the most poignant eulogies are short and simple. In fact, you do not have to write down anything at all if you don't want to. Many eulogies are given straight from the heart without forethought. There is nothing wrong with spontaneity. If you just dread sitting down to write, don't. You can simply say a few words as they come to you.

The most important thing to keep in mind when giving a eulogy is why you are there in the first place. You are there to celebrate and remember someone's life. Most everyone in attendance will share some kind of bond with the deceased, be it family, friend or even acquaintance. Do not be afraid to ask for help. You do not have to do it alone. Remember that the eulogy is not about the eulogy giver or their abilities. It is about the deceased and why they were special. Remembering this can ease the pressure. It is natural to have fear but it can be overcome.