How to Buy a Funeral or Cremation Urn

By Mary Hickey

Buying an urn is something most people hope they never have to do. Unfortunately, at some point in our lives we will probably have to purchase an urn or a casket for a loved one. Here are a few things you will want to know.

First, what happens if you go to a funeral home or cremation society and decide not to purchase an urn from the selection that is offered? In that case, you will receive your loved on in is a very unattractive plastic or cardboard box. It is estimated that 50%-70% of the time people leave a funeral home with this minimum option. It makes no difference if you spend $500 or $1,800 on the cremation, the boxes look the same. Many people are shocked when they go to pick up the ashes of a loved one and get a plastic or cardboard box back.

The ideal combination for selecting an urn is one that can be personalized or in some way is reflective of the person’s life inside as well as being practical for what you plan to do with the ashes of the deceased.

What you need to think about is; what do you plan to do with the remains? Here are a few of your options:

1. Bury the ashes.
2. Scatter the ashes.
3. Leave them in your home until you make a decision or until you die and someone else will have to decide what to do with them.
4. Put them in a niche in a mausoleum.
5. Divide the ashes up among family members.
6. Travel with the urn to a memorial service and then do one of the above.

If you plan on burying the ashes you will want to check with the cemetery and see if they have a requirement. There are a few “Green Cemeteries” in the country that only allow biodegradable urns. Many cemeteries will have guidelines for you to follow.

Scattering ashes can be a delicate art. There are plenty of stories of people placing the ashes off of boats only to have the wind blow the ashes back into the person’s face. This can also happen in aircraft. While the urn will not do much to prevent that, you may want to consider a biodegradable bag if you plan to place the ashes in a lake, stream or ocean. This way you will not have a problem with wind or waves and the same time you won’t be harming the ecosystem. When selecting an urn for scattering, you may want to consider a memory chest or an urn that can hold photos and other mementos. Again, if you use a biodegradable bag you can keep the urn to hold keepsakes. There are some urns on the market that are designed to be used in water. You can do an internet search or ask your funeral director for assistance. If you are scattering on someone else’s property you will want to get permission if you would like to do it the legal way. You may also need a permit. Personally, I’ve spoken to many people that do their own thing with remains and it’s basically don’t ask and don’t tell.

If you plan to take the remains home, you will obviously want to choose a safe place out of reach of young children or pets. You may also consider the weight of the urn. Some bronze urns can be very heavy, and if you need to dust around the urn or move it consider the weight. Another thing to consider, what would you like done with the ashes after you are gone? You may want to mention this in your will or put a note on the bottom of the urn.

If you have chosen a mausoleum, you will want to place a call to get their guidelines. Many mausoleums will not accept wooden urns or anything besides plastic, ceramic or metal. You will also want to play close attention to size. Each niche has a specific size and you will want to make sure the urn you select fits inside the urn. You may also consider having the urn engraved or somehow personalized. If a natural disaster were to occur it is more likely that the remains will be identified if the urn is personalized.

Should you plan to share the ashes with loved ones, you will want to choose smaller urns or boxes for the remains. The ashes should be placed in a small zip lock bag and then into the smaller urn. Usually you will have one larger urn and a few smaller urns depending on how many people have expressed interest in receiving part of the ashes.

Options like pieces of blown glass and even diamond rings are available that have the ashes put into the piece.

If you plan to travel on a commercial airplane with an urn, you will want to make sure the urn is Transportation Security Administration (TSA) compliant for travel. Urns should not be made of metal due to the Transportation Security Administration's new procedure on the transport of crematory containers as carry-on baggage on airplanes. Passengers may still carry-on crematory containers, but they must pass through an X-ray machine. If an urn is made of metal or is metal-lined, it will show up as opaque on X-ray machines, preventing the security screener from being able to see what is inside - an obvious security risk. Please review this site for more detailed information http://www.tsa.gov/travelers/airtravel/specialneeds/editorial_1296.shtm.

Also consider who will see the urn. Will the design look dignified and respectable at a life celebration or memorial service? You may want to consider materials that are soft to the touch and colors that are soothing and up-to-date.

Finally, think about price. How much would you like to spend? You may want to ask the Funeral Director if they have a variety of catalogs that you could look through and you will want to check on the internet where you will find urns in many materials, designs and prices. In summary, while it is never an easy decision choosing the right urn, by following these guidelines hopefully the process will be a bit easier.

Unscrupulous Sales Techniques in Funeral Homes

A Review of www.funerals.org

There just doesn't seem to be enough information out there for the consumer on planning a funeral. It is sad that as a culture we don't educate people about the death process. How are consumers supposed to know their rights? Are we all just to trust the Funeral Director when the time comes? The funerals.org website clears up a lot of questions on issues such as embalming practices and cremation - the stuff you're too uncomfortable to ask about. It's a good tool for anyone planning a funeral or considering pre-planned arrangements. But what about the details? What really happens when you sit down with that 'Counselor' to plan-out funeral arrangements for a loved one?

I was truly shocked when I learned about the practices of funeral homes in America. My background as a Death & Dying Psychology student has opened my eyes to a lot of things.

As a former sales person, I recognized a lot of the same psychological and emotional sales techniques being used at the many funeral homes I visited through my studies. I find these types of sales techniques barely ethical in most situations and can’t believe that funeral sales associates are using them on bereaved family members. While going through the whole funeral process after my Grandmother died, I witnessed first-hand the trickery that is sometimes deployed. After picking out a pretty but moderately priced casket, the "Counselor" showed us a deluxe model and pulled the old, "It will be your final gift to your Mom" bit. My Mother took one look at the upgraded coffin compete with Rose painting on the inside lid and satin lining and declared, "It just looks like Mom". Add another $2000 to the bill. When all was totaled we were quickly offered financing. My Mother paid on that funeral for several years - and my Grandma owned her plot already. It was the same deal when my Grandpa died later that year. Understanding “Counselors” with dollar signs in their eyes leading people through a carefully planned and executed sales process.

What I've learned through the years is that we have options. I would prefer to be placed directly into the ground without the aid of modern science or preserving chemicals. At first I didn't think this would be possible and I would have to settle for the funeral industry's equivalent of 'The Works' - which they seem to push on everyone. I learned that it is the cemeteries, not the states that set the grave liner requirements, which adds thousands to some funerals. This isn't something they tell you at the funeral home. I feel a lot more comfortable knowing that my body can just do what it is supposed to do naturally after death. I find embalming along with all of the other effort put into making the dead body look alive disturbing and unnatural - but that's just my personal opinion. It's nice to know you have options.

I think a lot of people would benefit from a visit this website. It clearly explains the benefits and drawbacks to embalming, cremation, burial, grave liners, funeral pre-payment programs and DNRs. The website lists many excellent resources for the grieving. I was shocked when I read "How Much Will My Funeral Cost?" - I didn't know before reading the article that you can't rely on life insurance to pay for your funeral. It is so important for people to understand the process and financial responsibilities of planning a funeral. The only way to get a fair deal seems to be through research and education.

The Importance of Having a Will in a Non-traditional Relationship

People in non-traditional relationships often end up with a double whammy when a death occurs. There is the expected grief and sense of loss coupled with a realization that your relationship may not be recognized. This means if there's no will, you probably will be excluded from asset distribution. It's not just same sex couples we're talking about here either. An unmarried heterosexual couple living together can have problems as well. Each state has its own definition of who is your heir should you fail to appoint one in a will.

When someone dies without a will, their property and assets are divided up by the state and distributed to the deceased's legal heirs by a court-appointed administrator. This process is called intestate succession. Most states define legal heir as a spouse or blood relative. Everything you own will be split among these heirs. Without a will stating otherwise a domestic partner, boyfriend or girlfriend will not be considered a legal heir and will not be included in the distribution of assets.

A will is an important tool you can use to protect your partner. Another good option may be a living trust. A trust can be setup to manage the distribution of your assets to the heirs of your choice. All will appreciate whatever you can do to help your survivors get through the initial period after your death. Bank accounts can easily have a POD designation added to them. Your partner's name with POD after it will be added to the account. This simply means that the balance of the account would go to the person designated, paid on death of the primary account holder.

Remember that your non-spouse is very vulnerable in the event of your death. If there are children in the relationship it is even more vital that proper measures be taken to safeguard your family. Proper planning for non-traditional families should include a will, Power of Attorney, living will, and a Durable Power of Attorney for Health Care. This will not only protect your family; it protects you.

Why You Need an Advance Directive / Living Will

An Advance Directive, or Living Will, is an important document to have at any stage in your life. It is a legal document that is drafted to express your wishes for end-of-life care when you are unable to make those decisions yourself. Without an Advance Directive in place, some of the hardest and most important decisions of your life can be left entirely in the hands of medical professionals and your family. Not only do you risk having a decision made that you might not support; family members may be forced to make up your mind for you, often leaving them feeling unsure that they’ve made the right choice. Some of the items that are addressed in an Advance Directive are:

· Whether to accept or deny certain medical treatments

· Pain Control

· Resuscitation wishes

· Wishes for organ donation

· Appointing a agent to make decisions on your behalf

An Advance Directive is legal in every state in the U.S. and most hospitals will allow you to keep a copy of your Advance Directive on file with them. Every hospital is different, so please inquire with the particular hospital that you will be treated at. Having an Advance Directive on file can help ease your concern and fear about what will happen to you once you have entered a hospital for treatment or end-of-life care.

If you would like more information on developing an Advance Directive of your own, please visit the Living Wills section of this website. Up-to-date information about advance directives listed by state, along with the forms you need to complete an Advance Directive can be obtained from the following organizations:

Legal Counsel for the Elderly (LCE)
American Association of Retired Persons
P.O. Box 96474
Washington, DC 20090-6474


Choice In Dying, Inc
200 Varick Street
New York, NY 10014-4810
Telephone: 1-800-989-WILL