Unscrupulous Sales Techniques in Funeral Homes

A Review of www.funerals.org

There just doesn't seem to be enough information out there for the consumer on planning a funeral. It is sad that as a culture we don't educate people about the death process. How are consumers supposed to know their rights? Are we all just to trust the Funeral Director when the time comes? The funerals.org website clears up a lot of questions on issues such as embalming practices and cremation - the stuff you're too uncomfortable to ask about. It's a good tool for anyone planning a funeral or considering pre-planned arrangements. But what about the details? What really happens when you sit down with that 'Counselor' to plan-out funeral arrangements for a loved one?

I was truly shocked when I learned about the practices of funeral homes in America. My background as a Death & Dying Psychology student has opened my eyes to a lot of things.

As a former sales person, I recognized a lot of the same psychological and emotional sales techniques being used at the many funeral homes I visited through my studies. I find these types of sales techniques barely ethical in most situations and can’t believe that funeral sales associates are using them on bereaved family members. While going through the whole funeral process after my Grandmother died, I witnessed first-hand the trickery that is sometimes deployed. After picking out a pretty but moderately priced casket, the "Counselor" showed us a deluxe model and pulled the old, "It will be your final gift to your Mom" bit. My Mother took one look at the upgraded coffin compete with Rose painting on the inside lid and satin lining and declared, "It just looks like Mom". Add another $2000 to the bill. When all was totaled we were quickly offered financing. My Mother paid on that funeral for several years - and my Grandma owned her plot already. It was the same deal when my Grandpa died later that year. Understanding “Counselors” with dollar signs in their eyes leading people through a carefully planned and executed sales process.

What I've learned through the years is that we have options. I would prefer to be placed directly into the ground without the aid of modern science or preserving chemicals. At first I didn't think this would be possible and I would have to settle for the funeral industry's equivalent of 'The Works' - which they seem to push on everyone. I learned that it is the cemeteries, not the states that set the grave liner requirements, which adds thousands to some funerals. This isn't something they tell you at the funeral home. I feel a lot more comfortable knowing that my body can just do what it is supposed to do naturally after death. I find embalming along with all of the other effort put into making the dead body look alive disturbing and unnatural - but that's just my personal opinion. It's nice to know you have options.

I think a lot of people would benefit from a visit this website. It clearly explains the benefits and drawbacks to embalming, cremation, burial, grave liners, funeral pre-payment programs and DNRs. The website lists many excellent resources for the grieving. I was shocked when I read "How Much Will My Funeral Cost?" - I didn't know before reading the article that you can't rely on life insurance to pay for your funeral. It is so important for people to understand the process and financial responsibilities of planning a funeral. The only way to get a fair deal seems to be through research and education.

Why is a Eulogy so Difficult to Write?

Have you ever heard that most people are more afraid of public speaking than they are of death? What happens when we mix death and public speaking? We get the infamous eulogy. The very thought of writing and delivering a eulogy is enough to send shivers down some people's backs. Comedian Jerry Seinfeld once said that most people would rather be the one in the casket than the one giving the eulogy. Why do we dread writing the eulogy? What makes it so hard to get up and give a memorial speech about someone's life? Why is the eulogy any harder than any other speech to give? Although the reasoning behind the fear of the eulogy will differ which each individual, there are many reasons why a eulogy is so hard to prepare for. Let's take a look at a few of these reasons and see how the fears associated with them can be overcome.

You are delivering a speech while grieving
Just speaking in public is hard.

When you add the stress of grief it gets harder. You may find it hard to collect your thoughts or you may have difficulty expressing them. A funeral is an emotional event and this can compound the anxieties that you already feel. Grief can make you feel numb. You may find it hard to say anything at all. Each person will grieve and express that grief in their special way. Do not be afraid to ask for help if you are finding it hard to write or deliver the eulogy. Most funeral homes will have someone there that can help you through the eulogy process. If you think you will have difficulties remembering what to say, write key points on index cards. Someone from the church or funeral home where the eulogy is given can stand by to read your eulogy if you are unable to continue.

You may be afraid of saying the wrong thing
How do you summarize the entirety of a person's life in just a few minutes? Will you do justice to the deceased? This is a common fear when giving the eulogy. A lot of times we are just as concerned about saying the wrong thing as we are about not saying enough. A good way to overcome this is to make a list of the important qualities of the individual you are speaking about. Ask others that were close to the deceased which aspects of their life is important to convey for them. Try to touch on different aspects of their life - work, family, friendships, hobbies etc. Try reading your eulogy to a friend or family member first. Ask their honest opinion about what, if anything, you should change.

You are afraid of breaking down or not being able to finish
It is perfectly normal to cry at a funeral. People in attendance will understand if you do need to stop and collect yourself. Many people in the audience may be visually upset as well. Having a backup eulogizer to finish your speech if you cannot is a good way to ensure that your thoughts are expressed even if you cannot do it yourself. If you are having a hard time giving your eulogy it is perfectly acceptable to truncate it or simply tell the audience "This is difficult for me and I just can't finish. I love Dad and miss him very much." Nobody is there to judge you or your speech-giving abilities. Do not feel obligated to continue if you feel that you can't. Someone else can say a few words in your place if necessary.

You are worried about your writing abilities
You do not have to be a great writer to write a eulogy. You will not be graded or judged. Some of the most poignant eulogies are short and simple. In fact, you do not have to write down anything at all if you don't want to. Many eulogies are given straight from the heart without forethought. There is nothing wrong with spontaneity. If you just dread sitting down to write, don't. You can simply say a few words as they come to you.

The most important thing to keep in mind when giving a eulogy is why you are there in the first place. You are there to celebrate and remember someone's life. Most everyone in attendance will share some kind of bond with the deceased, be it family, friend or even acquaintance. Do not be afraid to ask for help. You do not have to do it alone. Remember that the eulogy is not about the eulogy giver or their abilities. It is about the deceased and why they were special. Remembering this can ease the pressure. It is natural to have fear but it can be overcome.

Tips for Writing a Eulogy

Writing a eulogy is a difficult task. It is hard to condense a lifetime of experiences into a short speech to be delivered at a memorial service. Eulogies don’t have to be depressing and formal. A eulogy can include favorite poems, meaningful reminiscences, war stories, or even jokes. Here are some quick tips on how to put together a thoughtful eulogy.

1. What do you want to say?

The first you'll need to do is decide what you want to say. Collect all the basic facts about the deceased: their age, names of children or survivors, marriages, places they've called home or loved to visit, and their career or educational information. Now think about the person you’re remembering. What kinds of stories about them or quotes capture your loved one's personality? Did they have a favorite poem or author? What was important to them? Did they have a favorite charity or cause? Talk with their survivors for inspiration and ideas.

2. Decide on a tone or theme

Whether you decide to give a solemn speech, a light account of their life with comical musing, or somewhere in between, a theme gives purpose to the eulogy. It helps the attendees see what the deceased’s life stood for. For example, if you’re writing a eulogy for your Grandfather, your theme could be his confidence or his great story telling ability. With your theme in place, you can collect stories that he told to other survivors and yourself. If your theme was his important work or career you might speak with coworkers to get stories and remembrances of his work life or contributions made to his field or place of business. Knowing how you'd like to deliver the eulogy gives you a base to work from when you decide which stories to use.

3. Organize your notes into segments

If you are doing your work on a computer, type all of your notes in a document with a return between the different topics. This will make it easier to move your ideas around on the document and you can fine-tune the order until you have it perfect. If you'd rather write it by hand try the old essay trick from school and write your notes onto index cards or sheets of paper. This way you can shuffle around and work with the statements until you get them how you want them. Once you have organized your notes into an order than flows well, jot the information into a rough outline.

4. Write your first draft

Using the outline, write out a draft of your speech. Fill in any gaps in information and make sure each idea flows into the next. Try not to let the speech get too stiff; you don’t want a long fact sheet on your loved one’s life. Try to incorporate real life experiences or anecdotes between the facts. Use bits of humor if you think it is appropriate. This is also a good time to decide where natural pauses will fit into your speech so you can note that on your final draft.

5. Make your final draft

Go over your first draft and finalize what you are going to say. This is a great time to get input from other survivors or friends that will give you advise. Read the speech out loud at least once at this stage to be sure it sounds right to you. Once it is finalized, rewrite it neatly or type the speech so it will be easier to read at the funeral. You may also copy your speech to note cards if will make a more comfortable delivery for you. In other words, even if you plan to memorize the speech have a copy at the funeral. Funerals often are emotional and you may forget parts that aren't written down.

6. Practice delivery of the eulogy.

Read your speech to yourself aloud or even out loud to a third party. This will help you point out any areas that don’t sound right or are not appropriate. When you practice your speech in front of another person you can gain their input. You may want to deliver your speech in front of a mirror to get used to saying the words. Even delivering the speech to a trusted family pet, while imagining an audience, can help you work the kinks out. Easy delivery of the eulogy often relies on the ability to recall your eulogy.

7. Relax

While giving the speech, remember to relax and breathe normally. Remember that no one will be judging you; your audience are there to honor your loved one. Pay attention to the speed that you are speaking. We tend to speed up when we’re nervous so take it at a normal speaking pace. It’s good to add pauses to collect your thoughts or provide time for the audience to digest your information. You can even jot down places to break on your notes in case you forget to pause.

Always take a second copy of your speech and provide it to a backup speaker in case you can’t continue. It is common to get emotional during delivery, especially at a funeral. You may have to quit speaking to comfort someone or just may not be able to continue yourself. People will listen. Ironically, the softer you speak the more the audience will be enticed to listen.

Writing Sympathy Cards and Condolences

If you stare blankly at that Sympathy card not knowing what to write, you are not alone. Finding something to say that feels right when someone has died is not easy. What do you say? What can you say that could possibly make any difference? Do you avoid even sending a card at all?

Death is something that is kept private in America. It's something we don't talk about a lot. It's something that we don't want to think about. When it comes time to sign a sympathy card we often draw a blank. We want to show the recipient that we feel for their loss. We want to help. We want to make everything okay.

Of course we know that words on a card will not make everything okay. Nor will they bring anyone back. However, your words can provide comfort and they can help heal.

Sympathy cards and letters become part of the total mourning experience for the survivor. Cards are often kept and sometimes read and reread during times of grief. Something scribbled in a card can become a reassurance for someone in mourning.

What you will write will certainly depend on the situation and your acquaintance level with the recipient. A card sent to your sister after the loss of a child is much different than one you'd send to an acquaintance that lost a grandmother. How well did you know the deceased? Was it a sudden unexpected death or has it been a long time coming? All of these factors will affect what you write. If in doubt, keep it short. A short phrase or verse added just above your signature makes a card feel more personal than one that is just signed. A poem or bible verse can also be used.

Above all, be sincere and understanding. Only you know what the right thing for your particular situation is. Your objective is to let the recipient know that you are thinking of them and you care. Just the fact that you care enough to send a card or flowers is often all that matters anyway. Whether you need something to say on a gift card for flowers or a handmade card... we've got examples to get you started!

It can be hard to find the words to add to a sympathy card or note to attach with flowers. Many are at a loss for words. It is normal to not to know what to say. Remember that your support and love are what is important. If you are finding it difficult to think of something to write, try some of these examples. They are meant to get you thinking and should be altered to fit your specific situation.

• My sympathies for your loss.
• You and your family are in my prayers.
• With sympathies, John
• Grandpa Earl will never be forgotten.
• Alex touched our lives and will be missed.
• You are in my thoughts and prayers.
• You are in our hearts during this difficult time.
• Rachel's memory will live on forever.
• I am sorry for your loss.
• Bless you and your family.
• I am praying for you.
• James will ive in our hearts forever.
• I was deeply saddened to hear of Bob's passing.
• You are in my thoughts.

Include some personal information about the deceased or share a loving memory. A short reflection about a time you had together is also appropriate. It can add a touch of personality to your note.

• I'll always remember the way Jim made us all laugh with his jokes.
• Glen was always thinking of others. I've never know a nicer guy. He will be missed.
• Mary will live on in the lessons that she taught her students.
• George was tireless in his devotion to his family and friends.   

7 Alternatives to Sending Flowers for a Funeral

Everyone sends flowers to a funeral. Sometimes families can become deluged with plants and flowers of every imaginable size, shape and arrangement. Graves sometime overflow with sprays and wreaths. While flowers are certainly a beautiful way to celebrate a life, there is no written rule that states you have to send a grieving person a flower or plant. There are plenty of things that you can do instead that will be remembered long after the funeral is over. Here are a few ideas:

1. Consider a charitable contribution in lieu of flowers. It is especially nice to give to a cause that was close to the deceased or their family. It is a very common practice to make a charitable contribution in someone’s memory or name. Examples may include a donation in the deceased’s name to the SPCA for someone who loved animals, a donation to a public library for a book lover, or a gift to the American Cancer Institute for someone who lost a battle to cancer.

Other ideas include a donation to the deceased’s alma mater, fraternity, sorority, church or other social organization.

2. Consider a lasting memorial like a plaque, brick or nameplate at a public landmark or other community property. Areas around town that have historic restorations going on will often have community members purchase bricks, or plaques with their names on them to help finance a project.

3. Have a tree or bench put in your park in the deceased’s name. Many parks will allow people to donate money for benches, trees or plants and will include a memory plaque at the site. Check with your local parks department or historical society for more information.

4. Send a sincere letter. Long after the flowers have died, a sincere letter stating your love or admiration of the deceased will remain. Tell their family how their loved one touched your life and what knowing them means to you. It will be appreciated and cherished.

5. Involve your church or synagogue. Houses of worship often have sermons or prayers offered in the name of a person that has recently passed away. Even if you belong to a different church than the deceased, your warm thoughts and prayers will be appreciated. Check to see if your church prints these memorials in their program, you can send it to the family as a keepsake.

6. Give the gift of your time. Be a friend and listen. Offer to help around the house. Instead of leaving it up in the air with “Let me know if there is anything I can do,” make a specific offer. Say something like “I know you have so much to worry about right now, let me come over Thursday and bring you dinner. I could mow your lawn Saturday for you, too.” This keeps the bereaved from having to make decisions or ask for help.

7. If you do decide to give plants or flowers, do something a little more meaningful and long lasting. Consider giving a living tree or rose bush that will remain a lasting memorial. You can enclose a note in your card stating you will be planting a tree in the deceased’s honor. Follow up a couple of weeks after the funeral to setup a good time. There is no reason to overwhelm the family right after their loss. Always follow local growing and planting guidelines for best results.

You can make a lasting impression with a little imagination. The best gifts come from the heart. The most important thing you can do for a person that has lost someone close is to support, listen, help and be there for him or her. Cards and words are meaningful, but actions will be remembered.

Hunter S. Thompson's Remains Shot Out of Cannon

One of the most unique final resting places has got to be that of Hunter S. Thompson. The popular American writer, who died February 20, 2005, had his ashes shot out of cannon. The writer of such hits as “Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas”, "Hey Rube" and "Fear and Loathing: On the Campaign Trail '72" committed suicide in his home outside of Aspen, Colorado. He apparently shot himself while speaking with his wife on the phone. His family was not surprised by his suicide, citing that Hunter had been in a lot of pain recently due to several injuries. He was 67 at the time of his death. Keeping with his quirky character, he requested to be cremated and to have his ashes shot out of a cannon. He requested no other funeral.